Great Night.

An observation. As I tried to relax at my coffee shop of choice, quietly reading my book, I suddenly became very aware of the people around me. There were two groups of people: a group of four young Asian people playing cards, and a group of six or seven Latin American people. (Please note: the following story is by no means meant to offend either of these cultures, nor is it meant to apply any opinions of the groups one way or the other. If anything, it will point out common threads that run through all of us as human beings. On with the story.) Seeing as how I have not spoken Spanish semi-fluently in half a decade, and I have no idea what dialect was being spoken by the young Asian people, I was unable to understand the conversations of either group. But the Latin American group was apparently having an enjoyable conversation. light-hearted in nature. From the inflections in voice, it could be understood that one of the ladies was telling a joke, or rather, a humorous story. This story was known by at least one other woman at the table, and the narration was passed back and forth. Eventually, the story came to its end, where the punchline was spoken by both narrators, in unison. What followed should not be heard by any living thing. One of the ladies released one of the most horrific bouts of laughter I have ever heard. I'm sure if one was subjected to this particular individual's laughter for an extended period of time, they would eithier bleed from the ears or lose their mind. Once this traffic accident of laughter ended, my attention shifted to the card game. One person at the table uttered what I assumed to be a quick-witted joke, which was followed by laughter from the entire group. However, when the rest of the group quieted, one woman's laughter continued. This woman's laugh made the previously mentioned laugh seem like a day in the ball bin at Chuck E. Cheese.

Which brings me to my point. Being in a comedy group, I have been witness to numerous instances of laughter. But I find that the people with the worst laughs EVER always seem to have a great sense of humor. Someone said, "Laughter is the best medicine." After what I heard tonight, sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

Whoop. Whoop 'til you can't whoop no more.

What is the world coming to? War, Famine, Disease, and now.....you can't rent video games for Nintendo 64 at Blockbuster! I know! Harsh! Eh, I'll get over it. Now for the good news: The Bastards Karamazov will once again be performing at Rev. Brimstone's Lunar Menagerie! You can see all of your favorite Bastards (or perhaps your not-so-favorite ones) at the Way Out Club on November 17th! All you need to bring is money, we will provide the funny.

Haven't seen the roommate up & about for a couple of days now. Hope he's not working too hard.

And the other official news is that I'll be making a trip to Texas. Yes, Texas. This Thanksgiving, I will be eating turkey, drinking, and watching the Aggies duke it out with t.u. at Kyle Field. Whoop!

In medical news, I need to get out of the apartment. I have developed what experts call "Tony Hawk Thumb".

Okay, don't have mush else to say. That's right, mush. I could go back and delete the typo, but I'd much rather write long, drawn-out sentences defending my error. See ya later. Whoop.

My list of entertaining things to see while driving.

1. A patriotic person with a giant American flag stuck to the back of their foreign SUV.
2. A parent with a "Children First" license plate who is turning around to smack her kid.
3. A hardcore environmentalist driving a car that is covered in rust, with blue smoke bellowing out of the exhaust pipe.
4. An animal rights activist at the side of the road, scraping the deer carcass off the front of their car.
5. Old people driving the new VW Beetle.
6. Old people driving brand new sports cars. But still driving 15 mph under the speed limit.
7. People on cell phones who are calling 911. Because they had an accident. Because they were talking on their cell phones.
8. Diehard Republicans who have bumperstickers for all the candidates they voted for for the last 7 elections. Like anyone cares.
9. Cops who turn on their siren & flashers just so they can run a red light.
10. People who are driving on the highway and open their doors. And slow down to 30 mph. So they can vomit.
11. Cars with bumpers covered with stickers. Not because they're witty or trendy, but so they can hold the bumper on the car.
12. People with flags mounted on their car, with the logo of their favorite team, flapping in the breeze, the day after their team just lost. Badly.
13. People who cut you off, and then give YOU the finger.
14. People who sing to the radio, then look over at you, see that you can see and hear them, and immediately stop singing and look down at their lap.
15. People who sing to the radio, then look over at you, see that you can see and hear them, and immediately sing louder and stare straight at you.
16. People at the drive-thru paying for their food, but drop the changeas they're passing it to the drive-thru employee. Then they open the door to grab the money, and put a massive dent in their car because they're too close to the drive-thru.
17. People drving calmly, then swerve all over the road because there's a bee in the car.
18. Your navigator doesn't like your driving style, so they keep pushing "the phantom brake" every 5 minutes.
19. Hitchhikers holding up signs that say "Police Station" getting arrested by the police for hitchhiking. Think about it.
20. Someone passing a Student Driver for going to slow, and then yelling obscenities at them. What are they supposed to do? Will they get points taken off for reacting incorrectly?

Ah me. Hey, they can't all be gems, people. Catch ya later. Whoop.

Great Day.

Ah. the excitement of a late night at Scarf 'N' Barf. One of the untapped resources of creativity left in this city. Got some great things down on paper, including a first draft of "Maine Guys" and a killer video montage.

Ska is the answer to all your troubles. Try it sometime.

Okay, not a lot to say. Catch you on the flip side. Whoop.

Here are a few things I know to be true:

1. The universe is finite. You can reach the edge of the universe, but there's no parking, and the music sucks.
2. No matter how fast you go, there will always be someone behind you that wants to go faster.
3. There's no such thing as Doggie Heaven. However, there IS a Doggie Hell. You know what it is? Mailmen. Rabid mailmen, with long, sharp teeth.
4. If a girl says "It's not you", it IS you.
5. If someone in the cubicle next to you is eating Corn Nuts, you can stand the smell for 5 minutes. After that time, you WILL throw up.
6. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. However, he's got a crapload of extra spending money.
7. Any food, even if it's your favorite, can be made disgusting by adding one word. That word is "nog".
8. If you go to my old apartment building, and stand out on the balcony between the hours of 8 pm and 12 am CST, you will hear people having sex.
9. People who are missing fingers, arms, legs, or an eye are always nicknamed "Lucky"
10. Right now, someone somewhere is buying gum.
11. You can't take it all with you. You can, however, take a jacket and one carry-on item.
12. Leprechauns are not the funny little people we've come to expect. In fact, the average leprechaun is 6'-1", does not have a sense of humor, and probably has a gambling problem.
13. Somewhere Scott Baio is crying.
14. "How are you?" and "What's up?" have officially replaced "Hello" as a greeting. The speaker is not looking for a reply to the question.
15. My car smells like bananas.
16. Journey rules.

If you'd like to learn more of my vast knowledge of things that are true, email me. Whoop.

My mistake. The song is by the Impossibles.

Well howdy. This blog entry is brought to you by alcohol. Ah, alcohol. As Homer said (Simpson, not the philosopher) "Alcohol: The Cause of, and Solution to, all of life's problems." I'm not sure if this is true or not. But it definitely puts your problems off for a little while.

There is another quote that I find to be very true. It's in a song by Less Than Jake, I believe. "There's nothing worse than being in a crowded room, and feeling all alone." That quote hits home more often than not.

Whoo, can I put a damper on things or what? Anyway, I realized that by now, you either love or hate this blog. Or you think it's OK. If you are at all interested in telling me where to shove my opnions, want to chat, or just wax intellectual about pop culture (movies, TV, books, etc.) Please email me at TMBSkip@aol.com. I'm thinking about which direction this blog should take, and I'd like to hear feedback. From all two of you. Oh man, I need to write that down.

OK, off to bed, so's I can face another day of work. Evenin' all. Whoop.

My sister has bested me yet again. She posted my DO's and DON'T's of driving on Illiniboard, the posting page of former students of the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign. Don't ask me why she posted it there, since neither she nor I have ever attended UIUC. But the feedback all seemed to point towards the same thought: Stupid drivers are everywhere. So I have enlisted my friend Cud to write a list of DO's and DON'T's for those who, ride the EL in Chicago.

I swear I am losing my mind. As I was leaving the office today, my brain malfunctioned. I swear I meant to say " see ya tomorrow, suckers!" and run out of the office to the parking lot. But for some reason, I heard myself uttering the phrase, "I'll take the laptop home and get some work done tonight." Then I slowly walked out of the office, and tried to figure out exactly where I went wrong.

So I did some work tonight at the coffee shop. Oh, Coffee Shop Girl, why do you torment me?

Oh well. Off to bed. To sleep, perchance to dream.....of something non-work-related. Whoop.

I am irate. I spent a chunk of my day writing a piece sharing my loathing for St. Louis motorists, and the blog will not publish it. Apparently, I have to keep the messages short and sweet. This piece was about 5 paragraphs long. After the first 2, My web browser shut down due to error. Argh. I talked to Kate this evening, and she sounded like she was doing well. I'm glad she's happy. Gives hope to the rest of us. More later. Whoop.

OK folks. As I made my morning commute to work today, I was reminded that Missouri drivers (I'm sure this goes for other states as well, but I'm from Missouri. Get your own blog.) need a refresher course on the DO's and DON'T's of driving. Class in now in session.

DON'T's

1. DON'T eat your breakfast in the car. There are some exceptions. Pop-tarts are fine (this includes other pastries such as donuts). So is anything from McD's that comes in a sleeve or is small enough to be held easily in one hand. Drinks in covered containers are also OK. Coffee, tea, and other morning beverages. These are fine. I have no beef with these aforementioned foods. However, if the breakfast you are eating requires a KNIFE and FORK, the car is not the place for it. These meals should be consumed in a place where you have a table. **Note: The dashboard is NOT a table.

2. DON'T talk on your cell phone. I realize there are certain situations where this cannot be helped, but morning traffic is NOT one of them. In some cases, even hands free would be acceptable. But if your phone call keeps you from moving forward for even two seconds, I will crush your foot under the tire of my Jeep. If you're one of these individuals who has business meetings in the car, because you're so on-the-go and can't waste a second, then conduct your calls at the stationary confines of your own home. Or you know what? Get up earlier, get to the office to make your phone calls earilier, and avoid the traffic all together. Jackass.

3. DON'T look for things in your car. Everything you need is in reach. Is there something so important hidden under your seat that you can't wait to get to the parking lot to stop your car, look around, and find it? If you need it for work, you should have checked for it before you left the house. And if you DID forget something, find a good time to turn around, go back to your home, and get it. So you will be late. People are late all the time. But don't make the rest of us late just because you can't remember if you brought the Spencer Account with you. Now I realize that this situation also has a few exceptions. The ones that come to mind are A.) The gearshift has broken off in your hand, and you're reaching into the box of spare gearshifts you keep under the passenger seat, or B.) There is a pack of rabid ferrets tearing up the floor of your El Camino, and your last vial of ferret mace rolled off the passenger seat when you took that last hard right. If your situation does not fall into either of these categories, then I'm very sorry. Keep driving.

4. DON'T read anything while you're stuck in traffic. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people paging through novels, reading magazines, or doing the CROSSWORD PUZZLE while they sit in rush hour traffic. This is insane. Are we boring you with our determination to get to our respective places of business. Are we such a bother to you that you must escape into the exciting world of literature to prove to us that this act of commuting with "the common folk" is beneath you? Mark your place, and watch the road. There is only one exception to this rule. If you are reading the owner's manual, trying to find out what to do if your passenger side airbag has deployed, burst into flames, and is interfering with the reception on your radio, so you can only get Soft Rock music. If that is the case, turn to page 159 and look under "Troubleshooting".

5. DON'T fix your hair, do your make-up, straighten up your clothes, or anything else involving the vanity mirror. Chances are, if your hair is messed up right now, it will STILL be messed up when you get to work. Fix it after you park your car. But do fix it, because nobody wants to look at your messed-up hairstyle, Poindexter.

6. DON'T leave a large gap between your car and the car in front of you. If you leave a space, a CAR will fill it. If you can't react to the flashing brake lights in front of you in a relatively small amount of time, maybe traffic is not right for you. If you think this sounds like you, pick up a brochure for a state called MONTANA. There will be no cars near you for miles, and you can leave all the gaps you want. Have a pleasant trip.

Wow, that was quite a few DON'T's. Now here are a few things that are acceptable for driving.

DO's

1. DO chew gum, drink coffee, or smoke. Do anything that will make you feel calm, and forget about the idiots that surround you.

2. DO turn to the person sitting next to you and say "Can you believe this idiot in front of me?"

3. DO sing along to the radio. Roll down your window. Let the music flow through you, and spread to others, so that they may realize that idiots are everywhere, and all you can do is sing along.

4. DO count the seconds, minutes, and possibly hours that you will have to make up at work because the jerk in front of you can't drive.

5. DO shut up.

6. DO look straight ahead, concentrate on the traffic, and realize that you're not important, and there are hundreds of other people whose commutes are WAY worse than yours.

This concludes the lesson, I hope it has inspired you to be a better driver, or at least enabled you to easily spot potential idiots. Let's have some smart driving out there, people.

What is it about coffee shops that make them so condusive to creativity? Perhaps it's the stale cigarette smoke in the air, or the high levels of caffeine running through everyone's bloodstream. In any case, a good night of writing. I'm particularly proud of my first draft of "Grandpa, Secret Agent" and the beginnings of a new song called "Starbucks Girl".

Sundays seem to be the most useless day of the week. You wake up late, and you go to bed earlier. So already, you've got less time to do anything. Plus everything closes early, and....well, ok, Sundays suck. Case Closed.

Time to sleep. So I say curse you, Sunday. Good evenin' to you all. Whoop.

Welcome. Nice to see ya. How ya been? Well, this will be the maiden voyage of my weblog. For those of you who know me, I don't really say much about myself. So hopefully this blog will allow me to share any thoughts, views, or any other crap I think up along the way. So, here we go...

The most important event in the past week, has been the premier performance of The Bastards Karamazov (http://ourworld.cs.com/maggotbrain/myhomepage/homepage.html). The Bastards, or BasKar for short, was an idea for a sketch comedy group started by Geronimo (gthedamned) and myself. Our first show ever was this past Monday at the Way Out Club on Jefferson. The ensemble of Geronimo, myself, Jordan (tomatohead), and Chris(tine) was part of Rev. Brimstone's Lunar Menagerie. The Menagerie featured authors, poets, filmmakers, musicians and a Haiku Deathmatch, in addition to BasKar. The show seemed to be a success. People laughed, drinks were drank, and it seems the Lunar Menagerie will soon become a monthly occurrence. More on that as it develops.

The only other recent event would be my trip to the glorious town of York, Pennsylvania. And I say town because this area of land could not possibly qualify as a city. However, it must be a city, because they had a Hooters. My guess is that this is a town that thrives on beer and wings as its major cash crops. So, to sum up, York is not a good place to visit, unless you like to go to Hooters. Try the linnet wings.

Okay, don't want to overdo it on the first run, so good evenin'.