The Big Easy - Howler Monkey Style
Yes, that's right folks. I am back from my small vacation to N'awlins. And I must say, amdist all the confusion, chaos, and vomiting (others, not me. BLAUGHHHHH!), I found myself to be calm, collected, and at peace. However, this does not include the 10+ hour drive I took to get down there, or the 10+ drive I took to get back to the Lou. Other than that, it was truly a great trip. It turns out there are OTHER things to do in New Orleans besides drink. Crazy, I know. But my itinterary of events for the weekend proved to include some really cool sites. Okay, and YES, I did eventually make it down to Bourbon Street.
Conversations overheard at Mardi Gras***
(Two dudes, drinking on Bourbon Street.)
Dude#1: Dude! This is awesome!
Dude#2: Dude! I know!
Dude#1: Dude! Boobies!!
Dude#2: Where?
Dude#1: Dude, over there! Boobies!!
(Dude#2 looks over)
Dude#2: Aaaah! That's my sister, dude!
(Two frat boys on Bourbon Street.)
Frat Boy#1: Woooooooooo! Man, we are F***ing MOVING HERE!
Frat Boy#2: I Know! I am CALLING THE F***ing MOVING VAN!
(Me and a Shady Guy on Bourbon Street.)
ShadyGuy: Hey man...
Me: Yeah?
ShadyGuy: I got the BOMB quality hash. You want some?
Me: No thanks.
(2 minutes later)
ShadyGuy: Hey man...
Me: Yeah?
ShadyGuy: Nobody's got to know about that, ya feel me?
Me: Yeah.*
*I did not feel this guy.
(A guy, a girl, and an older woman on Bourbon Street.)
Guy: So you gonna show me those boobs or what?
Girl:.....Okay. Woooo!
(Girl Flashes Guy. Beads are exchanged.)
Girl: Thanks. Now can I have some beads for my mom?
(Two Big Guys on Bourbon Street.)
BigGuy: Man, did you hear??
BiggerGuy: What?
BigGuy: Kenny's in jail!!
BiggerGuy: What?? Kenny's in jail?? What'd he do???
BigGuy: I dunno, some sh*t......But he's in jail!!!
BiggerGuy:Man.....what's the bail?
BigGuy: Like, 50 bucks...
BiggerGuy:.........Oh sh*t.......Kenny might just have to stay in jail.
(Me and a guy surrounded by cameras and law-enforcement officials on Bourbon Street.)
Me: Hey man, what are the cameras all about?
Guy: Documentary for The Learning Channel.
Me: Really?
Guy: (Sarcastically) Yeah, it's about, "How to Get Arrested in New Orleans". Wanna participate?
Me: Serious?
Guy: No man. It's for "COPS".
Me: "COPS"? You guys come down here?
Guy: Every Mardi Gras.
Me:...All right man, keep up the good work. (Slaps Guy on shoulder)
Guy: Thanks.
(Exerpts from a cab ride in New Orleans.)
Cabbie: Where you folks headed?
Us: (Give address.)
Cabbie: Oh man, that's a ways. I don't know if we can get through, on account of the parade.
Me: The parades are still running today?
Cabbie: Yeah. (To himself) You know, we could take Barrone to Napoleon...Nah, we'll take Bonapart to Napoleon.....Yeah, we can get through....I think we can get through...Sh*t, I dunno....
Us: Are the streetcars still running today?
Cabbie: I dunno, man. They might be stopped on account of the parades.
Me: What parades are running today?
Cabbie: I dunno, man. You'd have to pick up a paper. I think 'Pygmalion' is today. Man, these parades have some weird names....What the hell is a pygmalion?
Us: (Silence.)
Cabbie: Yeah, I dunno, either....
Us: (Silence.)
Cabbie: I tell ya man, it's Mardi Gras...And yesterday was Friday the 13th. I can't tell if all this crazy stuff was for one or the other...More like Halloween than Mardi Gras....
Me: Oh Yeah?
Cabbie: Yeah, man. Buddy of mine got stabbed in the face.
Me:...No sh*t?
Cabbie: Yeah, man. Last night, he got dispatched to the Voodoo Club. Man...The Voodoo Club....on Friday the 13th!!
Me:...weird.
Cabbie: I know! Anyway, he picked up this transvestite at the Voodoo Club. My buddy drove.....Him......Her......
Andy: 'It'.
Cabbie: Damn right! Anyway, he gets to the drop off, and he says, 'That'll be 17 dollars.' And the transvestite goes, 'I only have 10. Let me go in my house and get the rest.'......And then BAM! (stabbing motion) My buddy gets stabbed in the damn face! It was bad, like from the back of his head all the way around to his lip. It was like a 1-inch deep cut...
Us: (Silence.)
Cabbie: I think he's still in the hospital. His face pretty much got torn off...
Us: (Silence.)
Cabbie: Okay, here you guys go.** Hey, be careful out there.
Us: (Nervously)...Thank you....
**It should be noted that the Cab Driver dropped us off at the wrong restaurant. Ours was in the 2000 block. This one was in the 4000 block. The names were similar. We ate there anyway.
***These are the conversations I can retell. Some of the lines may not be 100% accurate, but they're pretty close.
If you EVER get the chance to go down to N'awlins, you should go. Pay attention. Don't think about anything else (Job, home, etc.) and you will have the most interesting trip. That's all I got for now. WHOOP!
